beat the cellphone blues

a 2nd light post (after the nice car) for a cheery sunday.
 
i find this very amusing so am sharing it with you all.
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From The Far Eastern Economics Review
Issue cover-dated July 22, 2004

Beat the Cellphone Blues

What to do when your dinner guest/date/business acquaintance commits a cellphone faux pas? These gadgets seem to bring out the worst in people. But don’t get mad, get even. Here’s how By Jeremy Wagstaff

THIS MONTH is National Cellphone Courtesy Month in the United States but you’d be forgiven for not noticing. For one thing, it has to compete with other July wonders such as National Ice Cream Month, National Baked Bean Month, National Foreign Language Month, National Bison Month, National Hot Dog Month, National Blueberry Month, National Picnic Month and Anti-Boredom Month. For another, there has been a National Cellphone Courtesy Month for the past four years and it doesn’t seem to have made a scrap of difference. We don’t seem to be getting any better at learning how to use this gadget we all have stuck to our ears.
 
to continue reading, click on ‘jog over for more’.

Just look at the numbers. A survey by market-research company Harris Interactive last July revealed that 86% of users say they are courteous when it comes to cellphones, but more than half of them reckon other Americans aren’t. Someone has to be lying here. And this year it’s only slightly better: 95% of respondent say they are courteous, but 42% reckon others aren’t. So what can we conclude? We’re liars? We don’t realize we’re ruining other people’s dinners with our mid-restaurant yapping? Or, more worryingly, that the National Cellphone Courtesy Month hasn’t been a raging success?

Now, alert readers will know I’ve harped on cellphone manners before. So I decided that rather than air more pet peeves, I’d conduct my own survey to find out what really bugs people about cellphone use, and to offer some tips.

My conclusion: Different things bug different people. While it’s pretty obvious that people talking loudly in a restaurant, movie, concert or funeral are going to upset those around them, both alive and deceased, who would have thought that what drives some folk berserk is people who carry more than one cellphone around? Or the vibrating noise a cellphone makes? Or people who hide their number, so the recipient of the call can’t tell who is calling? Or those horrible men who hang their phones on their belts? Or people who don’t turn their cellphones off on aircraft until they’re told to, and then turn them on the instant the flight lands, as if they’re the most important people in the world? Or couples in public places interacting more with their phones than with each other? Or the sounds that a cellphone’s keypad makes when folk are tapping in a number or a text message?
Really. These are issues that bug my friends. You may say, I’ve got weird friends. Which is true. But this illustrates an important fact, that cellphones bug us enough to make us respond to silly text-message polls sent out by technology columnists. Things must be bad. So what can we do? Here, for the first time, are some real solutions, gleaned from a variety of sources–primarily my own imagination working feverishly against an entirely unreasonable editorial deadline (I, of course, claim no responsibility if during implementation they go horribly wrong):

The Fuzzy-Science Cellular Ban: If you’re the boss, and don’t like people using their cellphones in your realm, post a sign that says “Due to sensitive equipment in the office, please turn off all cellphones past this point.” Of course, this is going to work better in a surgery or nuclear reactor than in a spa, but who knows? Some folk may believe it. Alternatively, if you run a restaurant or other consumer outlet, ask customers to surrender their cellphones at the door, telling them there’s a door prize. Of course, there’s no door prize. But they won’t find that out until after their meal/movie/concert/facelift.

Participatory Deterrent: If someone is talking too loudly in public, go and stand right in front of them and look as if you’re listening intently to their conversation. You could occasionally offer some input. (Not to be tried if the Noisy User is actually bigger than you, or the overheard conversation involves money/mafia hit men/sports issues.) If someone starts talking in a quiet public place you have several options. In the cinema, yell out “Can you speak up? The rest of us can’t hear you” (It always works better than “shush,” which is overused). If you’re in a library or museum, move right up close and lean in, listening intently. If you’re in a massage parlour, spa or reflexology clinic, slip the clandestine user’s masseur a few extra bucks to give him a jab in the ribs.
Eventus Interruptus: If you’re dining with someone who starts fielding calls in mid-sentence, immediately leave the table and head to the bathroom. Then either call or text them from there until they get the hint that by actually sitting with them, you deserve their attention more than someone who isn’t. If someone at a cocktail party takes a call while talking to you, either walk off or stare at them unblinkingly until they get flustered and start saying stupid things into the phone. It may not help you very much, but you’ll get some satisfaction from knowing they just messed up a relationship/business deal/hostage negotiation. If it’s at a dinner party or in a large meeting, start talking about the person on the phone as if he’s not there; chances are he won’t be able to manage to hold a conversation and overhear what you’re saying at the same time, so will hang up.

Distracting the Distracted: Deterring texters works slightly differently. Text messages are generally less intrusive, but they can still offend. If you find you’re being ignored, or getting what my friend Richard calls “that distracted look” when someone’s attention is half on you, half on their SMS message, grab their cellphone and say, “Wow! This is a great model! Where did you get it? What does it do?” and fiddle with it until you find the “off” switch. Then say “Oops! I seem to have turned it off,” keep holding it in your hand while you go on, “Well, never mind, you were saying?” Hopefully your interlocutor will be too embarrassed to take it back and turn it on while the conversation is still going on.

If they do, you have my permission to grab it back, dunk it in their drink and curse them in Russian. Sometimes manners can’t be taught. And it is National Foreign Language Month.

Write to me: loosewire@jeremywagstaff.com
More musings, updates and rants at my blog: http://loosewireblog.com